Key & Peele - Auction Block

- ALL RIGHT,
Y'ALL GATHER ROUND.
GATHER ROUND.
WELCOME, GENTLEMEN. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL AND BLESSED DAY
FOR AN AUCTION. ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL,
GET ON UP THERE.

- PUT THAT WHIP DOWN
AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS, THOUGH. - STRAIGHT UP. I DON'T CARE WHAT PLANTATION
I END UP ON. I'M STRAIGHT STAGING A REVOLT
IN THIS MOTHER[bleep].

- HELLS YEAH. - WE HAVE LOT A,
LOT B, AND LOT C. - UH, $3 ON LOT A.
- $4. - 5! - $5 GOING ONCE, TWICE,
THREE TIMES, SOLD.

LOT A GOES TO THE MAN
IN THE BLACK HAT. - I MEAN, GOOD.
- YEAH. - [Chuckles] I'M GLAD
I DIDN'T GET SOLD, 'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE OWNED
BY ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. - WHOEVER BUYS ME, THEY BETTER
KILL ME THE FIRST DAY, OR I'MA GO BUCK-WILD
ON THE WHOLE OPERATION.

- OKAAY? - NEXT ONE,
GET UP ON UP THERE, NOW. - OH, THIS--OKAY. Both: [inhale] - $6 ON LOT A. - $7!
- EIGHT.

- 9! - $9 GOING ONCE, TWICE,
THREE TIMES, SOLD! Both: [exhale] - OKAY, WELL,
YOU HAVE TO BUY THAT DUDE. - IT'S A NO-BRAINER.
- I MEAN, THAT GUY'S HUGE. - A MASSIVE INDIVIDUAL. - THAT'S TWO OF ME.
- ANYBODY WOULD BUY HIM.

- I'D BUY THAT DUDE. - MY QUESTION IS
HOW'D THEY CATCH HIM? - NEXT! - OKAY. OH, YEAH.
- YEAH. - $2 ON LOT A.

- $2 GOING ONCE, TWICE,
THREE TIMES, SOLD. - SEE, NOW,
THAT SURPRISES ME. - THAT IS INTERESTING,
TO SAY THE LEAST. - I MEAN, WELL, IT JUST SEEMS
LIKE AT A CERTAIN POINT, IT'S LIKE, DO THEY EVEN KNOW
WHAT THEY'RE LOOKING FOR? - IT'S LIKE
THE WHOLE CRITERIA.

SEEMS JUST A LITTLE
INCONSISTENT. - I MEAN, AT SOME POINT,
I WANT TO BE ON LOT A. - YEAH, WHICH--
CAN A BROTHA GET ON LOT A? - NEXT. - OH, HERE WE GO.
- HERE WE GO.

- BEEN A PLEASURE.
- GIVE 'EM HELL. - ALL RIGHT.
- OKAY. - $8 ON LOT A. - GOING ONCE, TWICE,
THREE TIMES, SOLD! - HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?
- NOPE, NOT TRUE.

- HOW DOES IT HAPPEN? - WHAT YOU JUST SAID--
THAT'S GOBBLEDYGOOK. OKAY? THAT CAN'T BE TRUE.
'CAUSE WHAT CAN THIS DUDE DO? LOOK AT HIM.
WHAT COULD HE PICK? A COTTON PLANT
IS, LIKE, THIS TALL. - YES.
- I'M SAY-- NO OFFENSE, BROTHA,
I'M JUST SAYING. - OFFENSE TAKEN.
- WHA--[gasps] AM I WRONG? IS HE NOT SHORT?
HE'S SHORT.

BUT YOU ARE ACTUALLY SHORT
IN REAL LIFE, IN THE WORLD. - YOU'RE GOOD, MAN.
- ENOUGH. I WILL NOT HAVE
MY REPUTATION TAINTED, SELLIN' SUPERFICIAL,
BIGOTED SLAVES. - SUPERFICIAL? DID THAT REALLY
JUST COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH? - THAT'S IT!
THIS AUCTION'S OVER! - AUCTION'S OVER?
- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

NO, IT'S--IT AIN'T OVER.
IT'S NOT OVER! I'M STRONG, Y'ALL! I'M VERY STR--
I CAN SLEEP IN A BUCKET. - I'M FAST, I GOT STAMINA,
AND I KNOW MAGIC. - MY WORST QUALITY
IS THAT I'M A PERFECTIONIST. - LET ME MEN--
HAVE I MENTIONED THIS? DOCILE.

I AM AGREEABLE
TO A FAULT. YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE DUDE
WHO ASKED ME TO GET ON THE BOAT. WHEN WE CAME OVER HERE. - NOT A VIOLENT BONE
IN MY BODY.

- I JUST WALKED RIGHT ON,
NO BIG DEAL. NEVER SEEN A BOAT
IN MY LIFE..